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livih
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Country: United States
State: California
Gender: Female
Interests: sleeping, breathing, shopping, eating, playing hookey from work, picking my nose!
Expertise: Singing off key, dancing lilke a spaz, chewing with my mouth open, laughing like a crazed woman
Industry: Medical
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/21/2004
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| okay, so i'm officially in freak out mode now. i think all of
this being swept off my feet business has finally caught up with me. i feel weird and freaked out right now about the whole d thing. sigh.
i'm kinda feeling glad to be going out of town next week because i
won't really see him for a few days. maybe that will slow things
down a bit...
i'm not sure why i feel like this - perhaps it's that fear of
commitment thing? (hopefully, it's more hormonal!!!) i was
talking to him tonight and i just started to feel a bit uneasy. i
know he lived with his ex (they broke up about 4-5 mos ago) and he said
that he was very serious about her...wanted to marry her. she was
the first girl he ever felt like that about but things ended after a
little under 2 years. they lived together for a bit before
breaking up. i have known all of this earlier and although i
don't like the fact that they lived together, i've been able to deal
with it - actually, it didn't really bother me...until tonight!
i'm the second girl he has ever felt so strongly about. we get
along much better, but who's to say how we will be several weeks from
now?  in addition, one of his
best friends is getting married in february - d is going to be a
groomsman and it looks like the ex is going to be in the bridal party.
again, i've known this for a couple of weeks but for some reason, it
totally bothered me tonight. not sure if i want to go to
the wedding at all right now. by the time it's feb, d and i will
have been together for over 6 mos. i'm sure i won't even give at
that point, but it totally irks me now!
i guess this means i'm going to have to have a little talk with him this weekend. 
sux because i have plans with him for tonight (friday!) and
tomorrow...i'm supposed to meet his sister on saturuday! i wish i
could be alone or with one of my girlfriends.
i know i don't normally get so taken and attached to someone.
with all the free time i have on my hands, i've been spending more time
with him than i normally would. tesser's right - this is probably
why things have progressed so quickly between us. it's nice to
have him as a distraction - but aside from that, i really do like
him. i just think i like him a little too much for my own
good. i don't like feeling vulnerable and i hate how i'm trying
to find fault with him. i am disappointed in myself - i told
myself i wouldn't overanalyze or scrutinize and yet here i am doing
just that, trying to grasp at anything i can to talk myself out of
feeling so strongly about d. i already know things are really going to
change once i start working because i tend to be a workaholic and
stingy with my limited free time...geez. this really bites!
what makes me feel even worse is that i found out tonight that d was
thoughtful and tried calling one of my close friends to find out what i
like so he could buy something for me - i almost want to
cry.
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| i'm startin' to feel the unemployment blues again.
i have a couple of things going on, but still haven't secured
anything. thought i'd have something by the time my hawaii trip
came 'round, but alas, the trip is next week and i'm still without a
job. how frustrating. time seems to fly by so quickly,
too. at least i have some
contacts at places to follow up on things for me! during my stint
as an unemployed individual, i've gotten to know a few headhunters and
found them to be quite helpful. i'm actually hoping to get a job
at kaiser...or at SCAN - then i wouldn't have to move! i could
carpool with a friend's hubby to pasadena for kaiser or head to long
beach (right off the 405!) for SCAN. so weird. i'm all over
the board. what to do, what to do. wish i knew what the heck to do!
at least other things are going relatively well! lessee...me and
my gal pal are doing good...i finally heard back from P this week
regarding an email i sent him about D and i a little over a week ago. he
said he was shocked but that he supposed our split was inevitable since
we've been growing distant. he's a great guy - really nice.
wish the best for him. D and i are doing fine - haven't
seen him since sunday and probably won't until friday evening so i'm
kinda bummed. we were supposed to have dinner together on
wednesday but i'm playing in a softball league! first game is
wednesday. he asked me if we could have meet up with his sister
this weekend - looks like we're all going to lunch on saturday.
yikes! that's a big deal to me - i'm sure everything will be
fine, but i'm a little nervous nonetheless. then the other night, he
mentioned that he cleared out the bottom drawer of his dresser for me
to leave/keep anything at his place - whoa! i guess i shouldn't
be surprised though. it really hit me tonight how quickly we've
been moving along. we met on 8/7, met up once after, had 5 dates
and on the 5th date he asked me to be exclusive. i didn't know
what to say so i told him i'd think about it (geez!) D had his
car accident the day after and on the following day (i guess that would
be our 6th date) we became girlfriend/boyfriend. we joke about
getting engaged in a couple of weeks and getting married a few months
after just because things have been so accelerated - ha!  i really care about him and enjoy our time together.
God is so good and so fair - i've really been struggling with the job
thing, and being in a relationship was not something that i really
cared for or thought about (need to take care of the job thing
first!!!). yet God brought D into my life to show me how good a
relationship can be and the timing was just so impeccable. had it
been any sooner, i may not have been so appreciative of all of the
things D does for me (going out with P has taught me a very valuable
lesson!) had D come into my life after i started working, i would
not have been able to spend so much time with him or get as close to
him as i have done these past few weeks.  so it's totally worked out...now it's just the job thing left!!!
i'm finally starting to get pooped. i swear, i've been pigging
out all day. i'm still thinking about food!!! even though i
did my 2.5 mi walk along the beach, i feel fat from eating so much.  i'll have to squeeze in some time at the gym before i go to my game tomorrow night...
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| i'm such a terrible friend. yesterday, i made plans with a friend
for dinner and then stopped by D's to drop off a few things. i
wasn't there for someone i really care about when she got some bad news. i have been kicking myself in the butt since reading my email this morning.
i think one of my fears of being in a relationship has to do with not
being able to juggle my time very well. i already suck at
it. having D in the mix just makes things harder.
i'm frustrated and mad at myself. i think i need some ice cream.
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| lessee...what have i been up to these past few days? well, i
spent a lot of time with D - he got into a car accident late friday
night and we were joined at the hip almost the entire weekend as a
result...i was up all friday night - i tried to take care of him - he
had second degree burns on his left arm from the air bag and the poor
thing was achy all over. i couldn't sleep because every time he
stirred, i got worried. is that what it's like to be a mom with a
sick child??? i was so worried about him. his car was awful
- i felt sick to my stomack when i saw it - God spared D his life -
he's lucky to be alive! saturday morning, i took him to his parents house to pick
up his other car and then left to clean up and get ready for lunch with
my parents. i met up with D for dinner later that night - we went
to old town pasadena,
walked around and chowed on salad, tapas with some yummy white
wine. i ran errands
with him on sunday - we tried to get him checked out at an urgent care
but that didn't work out, so we went to get his hair cut. we
stopped by the new warehouse his parents purchased for their company
along the way and D gave me a tour of the place, showing me where his
office is being built, etc. we went on a walk along the beach
later in the afternoon - i got him to kick off his shoes and play in
the water a little bit.
it was nice to spend so much time with him - i'm
definitely getting to know him better. the fact that i still like
him and miss being around him is good! i hope he's patient
because i'm still scared about being in a relationship. guess
we'll just have to wait and see what happens!
i thought
about calling P to let him know about D, but ended up writing him an
email message instead. i know it sounds like i'm a cop out, but
knowing P, he would want to know everything play-by-play about what
went wrong between us and ask what he could do to fix things, etc.
i just didn't think i could talk to him without feeling like i was
pouring salt into his wounds. i didn't want to get into anything with him. i was annoyed and mad at him after
our last conversation - in fact, i hung up on him for offending
me.
i know he'll be fine. he's a good person and deserves someone
special - someone who better appreciates him for who he is and what he
as to offer. i wonder if part of what was off between us was the
whole cultural thing??? dunno, but it's not so unlikely.
on a side note, i've been
EXTREMELY antsy about the job thing - i hope i get something soon - i'm
tired of being home. i have leads,
have had interviews and have been waiting to hear back. i have
some follow up to do this week - i will look into subbing later this
week to at least keep myself busy!!! on top of all that, i'm not
sure what's been going on with me physically...i'm hungry and can't eat
very much, very tired but can't sleep! nerves maybe???
dunno. i know i've been losing weight because my clothes fit
differently and people have made comments...i have chronic bags under
my eyes due to lack of sleep. weird.
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| this bites. it's past 4am and i can't sleep. i think i'm
getting anxious. i left my job about 6 weeks ago and have not
secured anything yet (granted, i really started look seriously about 3
weeks ago) - i know these things take time and it's extra hard since
i'm being picky, but i can't help it! i know i have options (go back to
school) - i still have my old job to go back to (i don't think they
have replaced me just yet) but i'm not sure what i'd like to do.
before completely ruling out health care management, i think i'd like
to explore the payor side, but don't know what's going to happen!
for someone who is a little bit of a control freak, not really knowing
what i want to do is giving me the worst buzzkill ever! BUT...i
think this experience has been good for me ini some ways - for one
thing, i think it's helping me to re-establish my relationship with
God. i've been praying more (which is good) and gettin' some soul
food for my poor hungry spirit (although from the sounds of my tummy's
grumbling right now, it could use a little bit of something,
too). i have also decided that P is not good for me - he
hasn't been the most supportive person through all of this and has
managed to irritate/annoy/anger me to the point where i have finally
just thrown the towel in. life's too short for so much
nonsense! he's a good guy, but i don't think i should have to
work THAT hard to keep a relationship going, especially so early
on. i guess we are just too different. interestingly
enough, i met a great guy at a friend's beach bonfire a few weeks
ago. i honestly believe that the good Lord has brought him into
my life for a reason. i don't think i would have really chosen
him for myself, but since having gone out with him several times and
after spending hours talking to him on the phone, i realize that we
have a lot in common and have similar personalities - we totally
clilck. he makes me laugh, is very supportive and encouraging... he
dotes on me, takes good care of me when we go out...but the biggest
thing that sets him apart from all of the people i have dated in the
past is that he is christian. oh, and he's skinny!
hahaha! yep, i normally tend to be attracted to the uh
chubby/stocky-type, i suppose! so i'm on this secret mission to
fatten him up a little bit. i'm
not sure what will come of this relationship - i don't want to dwell on
it because to be honest, i'm a little bit freaked out by how much i
like him and being one of the biggest commitment-phobes out there (i
only know one person who can out-do me in this category - you know who
you are, girlfriend!  ), well... i'm
also afraid i may botch things, too. anyhoot, enough! i
think i'm going to try to grab a snack and finish watching "on the
line" before i head back to bed. maybe a good romantical movie
and a satisfied tummy will help get me some zzzs...nitey-nite!!!
peace out, homies!
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